So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
