i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
