I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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