my vag is so smooth its legendary
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
