I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
