As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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