so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
