A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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