I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
