im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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