if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone shattered a urinal.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize