All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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