if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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