the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
