he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
