I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
