things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
