Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
