My sheets look like a crime scene.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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