My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
