It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
