You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
