Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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