I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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