Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
A+ Viking dick
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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