Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
