fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
