what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
