i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
