Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My feet surprised me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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