So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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