I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
