Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Two words: blizzard sex
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
