Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
