sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
