I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
