Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
