Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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