So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I AM VODKA MAN
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
