Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
