Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
