why didn't you poke me back
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
