Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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