Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
