You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
