On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
