I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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