NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
