Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
