Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my phone needs a breathalizer
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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