The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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