maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
