I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
