People in love make me want to vomit
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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