Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
