We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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