maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
