sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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