I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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